Diary

My Easter Reflections! – PERFECT DAD (?)

dad

I imagine I have a perfect dad,
Perfect in sense of loving, understanding, be there when I need his advise for problems I encounter in life,
How to solve problems and make a good decisions to move forward,
I imagine to do lots of things together with him,
By accepting me being a girl and not wishing that I am a son….

I woke up from this dream, this imagination,
That I will never have that perfect dad that I wish for,
I only have one dad with all his imperfections and weaknesses,
His temper, his harsh words, his stubborness, thinking he is always right in every way of doing things,
My childhood happy memories with him is dim,
My teenage memories with him difficult to track in my brain,
My adulthood trying to accept him for who he is, was a struggle,
And he never became my role model…

NOW,
While taking care of him on the hospital bed, I reflects on a lot of things,
Without notice some of his traits was in me,
He never been my role model but why I am so passionate working in the jungle?
Those dim childhood memories maybe stuck somewhere in my brain but unconciously it became a path that I follow,
Those years he spend with me, he might share all his jungle stories while working at a logging camp upper Rejang river,
He is a fighter, strong-willed and never give up easily and I witness it in 2016 when he recover well from his burrhole surgery on his head.. he fight till lasts..
Knowing this, I realize that I am a fighter too, I am stubbornhead, not giving up easily… indeed he gave me example of fighting for life..

In his imperfections, he is my perfect dad. God never make mistakes on why I born into Ragai family and chose Ragai as my worldly father.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” (Jer 1:5)

Thank you Lord for the gift of my father. I love you dad for who you are. I miss those time we share our stories of your life at the logging camps. I pray hard that God will heal you spiritually, emotionally, physically and have a peace of heart and mind.

Blessed Divine Mercy Sunday!

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Diary

My Jungle Lenten Reflections

lenten reflections

It was a challenge of keep trusting and surrender to God in whatever situation I encounter for this 12 days of my fieldwork.

To keep myself calm and be patience with my team members. I am easy to get angry and annoying by others if they are not doing things according to my expectations. Being a quite bit of perfectionist, I became disappointed easily. Quite a big challenge for keeping myself calm and thanks be to God for His grace, I am able to control myself this time. Even though there was a few times I get annoyed and start to show my tight face and giving a silent treatment. Self-control is still in progress of mastering.

When an emergency happen, I almost losing hope and giving up. Almost thinking of packing up and getting us ready to heading back. Thanks to the Holy Spirit for stir my heart and leading me to pray and surrender to God. Can not sleep almost the whole night because worried too much but again praise be to God for He really presence and comfort me in my prayers and lead my heart to be at peace. Grateful to God when all of our team members are all in good shape and recover well. Fell sick in the heart of the forest is expected but recovery fast is a miracle. Thank you Lord.

When all is happen as planned and smooth, I know that God is answering my prayers. This is the difference between my trip March 2017 and this recent trip. Last year I pray to God asking God for blessings and protection but doubt is in my heart. This year, I ask the same thing but with heart full of hope and trust. God promise never failed us. Thank you Lord.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7)

Am I that tough and strong? I don’t think so. Maybe sounds ridiculous, but the strength that I have for this trip is unusual. If it was really me, I think on the 5th day I don’t have energy anymore, I maybe burnout and giving up. The hike, work and handling team members can stress me up easily but it was on the opposite because I was having a great time with all of them this trip.

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” (Psalm 28:7)

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (Psalm 18:2)

My fasting and abstinence is really difficult during this trip. Without God the father’s grace and blessings I wil be failed completely. Thank you Lord for keeping me an obedient child of yours.

Finally, without God I am nothing. With Him in me, I am content and less bitter. Praise be to God the most high.

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Silent Retreat

Personal Retreat on Reflections

It was a fruitful and spiritually enriching for me, completing my seven days personal retreat in Chiang Mai. I would love to share a few reflections i get (make) from this retreat at the Seven Fountains Jesuit Retreat Centre, Chiang Mai, Thailand from 27th April until 3rd May 2017. I will write it in a point form because this really speaks to my heart and hope it will speaks to those who read this post too.

  • To make peace with myself which means to make peace with my heart, my mind, my body and my soul.
  • To take things slow and steady by not pushing myself but to be patient with myself in the process.
  • To understand the meaning of my baptism and the works (JD – Job Description) that comes with it. Remember Jesus Christ was baptized by John the Baptist and what Jesus did after his baptism? He do what his Father in Heaven asked him to do. Now, Jesus is no more in this world, he is seated at the right hand of the Father in Heaven until his second coming to judge the living and the dead. Thus, it is my duty to continue what Jesus do, to spread the Good News to the people.
  • To dig deeper through the Word of God how much God loves me. Reflects on the gaze Jesus gave to Peter after he denies Jesus the third time which makes Peter wept bitterly. It is the gaze of love and mercy not a condemnation (Luke 22: 61-62)
  • Faith is not freely come to me unless i earn it through my actions which includes prayerful life, read and meditate on the Word of God, received Holy Eucharist, visit the Blessed Sacrament and spend time with God, read spiritual books, reach out to the poor and needy, serve the Church. Of course it will takes courage and patience because throughout the process, the temptations, discouragements, negative thoughts, darkness, loneliness, disappointments, etc will attacks and bring me down to the lowest ground. Thus, i must always remind myself that God is my rock, my stronghold, my strength so i must never despair. Remember St John the Baptist, the greatest saint also experienced darkness (Matthew 11; 3). Jesus will give me peace and consolation.
  • To believe in Jesus and never doubt him. He is the living God and he is truly lives in me when i received him in Holy Communion. I am like Philip, asking if it is truly him. Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work (John 14: 9-10).
  • To embrace and living the moments with full knowledge that God is at work, that God is walking with me, within me. By his graces and blessings he will continue to guide and take me on this life journey one step at a time – even if it is a baby steps – without rushing and pushing me to break me, but to make me strong and shine. He will tell me when is the right time to take another step forward and when to pause or step back. He knows everything about me.
  • Fake repentance is not a game to play with God. When i confess my sins – even how shameful and bad it is – to the Priest, all my sins are forgiven and washed by the Precious Blood of Jesus who dies on the cross. Remember that no sins is greater than Jesus so go for a confession and ask for his forgiveness, do it sincerely from my heart, repent and not to sin again. Often times Jesus said in the scriptures after he heals the sick people, “Go and do not sin again!”

May the good Lord continue to bless us, heals us and give us abundance love so we can continue to serve Him in whatever we do. Lots of Love.

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Silent Retreat

Personal Retreat

mother teresa quote

I was longing for a personal retreat for quite a while now. A few years back i did my silent retreat together with a few other friends and the purpose of our retreat is very specific. Somehow, i didn’t find the answer for a lots of questions in my head. This is because i didn’t prepared spiritually and i am too busy with my worldly things around me. So, way back in 2010 i was searching for a possibilities for me to go for a personal retreat away from my hometown, where i didn’t know anyone. A quite and solitude place for me to find my inner self and carefully listen to the voice of God within. The ‘noise’ of this world easily distracts me from my intimate relationship with Jesus and i must find a way to stay firm and put Him as the centre of my life.

During my search i found a few retreat centres and one of the retreat centre that caught my intention was the Seven Fountains Retreat Centre, Chiang Mai, Thailand. It is managed by the Jesuit priests. At that time, when i calculate the overall expenses i need to travel there, i can not afford it so i stop there.

Last year, i have some ‘turbulence’ in my life and suddenly i was thinking about personal retreat again. My financial is not stable but i make a prompt decision to buy a ticket and go to Chiang Mai this year. Deep down in my heart, my desire to go to the Seven Fountains never fades away. It is always there and knowing that, i just go.

I will fly to Chiang Mai this coming week and will be there for 6D5N. I am excited and at the same time i feel a bit of nervous. I have a mixture of feelings right now especially after i received emails from my Spiritual Director.

Nothing special, try to come not too tired and with lot of goodwill and confidence in God’s love! I’ll see you every day to give you points for meditations and to know if you are well. Bring ball pen and exercise-book. – 16th Jan 2017

Welcome to the Seven Fountains, I am waiting for you. You will arrive for the dinner which is at 6h30 pm. I’ll see you the following day? See you soon.? – 17th April 2017

With this i will put everything in God’s hand and let the Holy Spirit be my guidance in my search. May Lord have mercy on me.

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