ON the 14th October 2007 i received the Sacrament of Confirmation. After gone through the three days growth in Spirit seminar with eight talks presented by Bishops, Fathers, Brother and Sister, i feel renewed and a lots of things in my life i ignore especially HIS call for me to become HIS witnesses. I am a sinner and i don’t know how many times i turn my back against HIM but HE never let me down when i need HIM the most. How wonderful and great HIS love is to me. Only now i realize that how important it is to become active Christians. How I feel HIS peace during my old days when i keep on grow in FAITH when i attend praise and worship and others activity with my Catholic community.
In this past two years, i try to ignore HIM from my life with sort of crazy things that i have done. Without knowing that little and big things that i have done keep me apart from HIM so much. I feel emptiness and loneliness most of the time in my heart. The most dangerous moment is when loneliness distracts me, the devil inside and outside me will dancing around and when i fall into temptations, i will discard Jesus away from my heart.
I keep away my BIBLE and how thick the dust covers my BIBLE, ROSARY and MOTHER MARY STATUE in my room. Even though i attend the Holy Eucharist Mass every Sunday but i am dreaming most of the time. I wonder why every time i try to listen to the homily, not even one words from the Father’s mouth i can absorb. It just hanging around and not enter my mind, and of course too far to enter my heart that i already seal from HIS presence.
How great HE is to open my heart bit by bit during this seminar. I also realize why my relationships with any man never end up with happy ending. How can i give so much love to anyone else if i didn’t love myself on the first place? I can express my emotions and feel the emotions given back to me but i have problem with the COMMITMENT. To love not only share the emotions with our partner how much we love them but to give commitment to that relationship. That is my worst weaknesses. I can not do that in my relationship. I still don’t know why i am very afraid of commitment. But i will try to cast away my worry about this because i am sure HE will show me the way. It is not yet time for me to understand that, it is just HIS time will tell me.