It has been three years but i am still confused with this love relationship. He is very caring, understanding, open minded and i love him very much because he always concern about me. His care makes me fall into him from the first start i get to know him. After a few months of our relationship, i start to feel lost. It’s seems to be i didn’t know myself anymore. I need him and i do love him but for he always pampered me from the beginning of our relationship makes me too depending on him. I don’t like it and that’s why i feel that i need a space for my own life.
When i start this relationship, i feel i am ready and i will give my commitment in it and even my friends thought i am ready but it was not. I start to doubt my own feeling and at that time he also very busy with his works and spends most of his time with his works. That’s even makes the situation become worst. I start to think lots of negative things towards him.
I feel like he is changed into somebody else because he never care about me anymore. All is about his works. I feel like i am being ignored by him. Then i think it is better for us to separate and make our own way. I can’t met him so i just send over a SMS telling him that i want to end our relationship. However, he ignored all my SMS and he didn’t answered my phone calls. I am really emotional person and can’t control my emotions. Then i start to send SMS which contains bad and harsh words to him.So, i think it was the best decisions for both of us during that time.
After a year past by, i wonder why it was very difficult for me to forget him. When i am in troubled or i feel very happy when i achieved something i want to tell him and share with him that moments. During my confirmation last year, i told him about it and he expressed his grateful to God that at last i received that Holy Sacrament and may God will always guide me. Only during the confirmation that i realize what is actually happen to me. I am not ready for commitment and that makes me doubt my own feeling after a few months of our relationship.
I have to admit that i am very crazy and sometimes irrational in what i am doing. The situation between us seems to be very good after my confirmation and i thought we can be friends again. So, i tried to act as nothing was happen before. However, after a month he ignored me again and i do the same thing again. I don’t know how many times i hurt his feelings by my harsh words. I deserved to be ignored by him because every time we start it over again (even only as a friends), i am the one that ruin everything.
This year is the third year of our unknown status of relationship. Can i say that i still love him? Hmm..maybe. Can i say that i still think about him? Hmm..yes i am. Can i say i still want to know what happen to him right now? Hmm..yes sure i want to know. My fingers still want to dial his number when his name appear in my phone book. So, by those reactions i am actually still thinking about him a lot.
So, during April Fool’s this year, i send a stupid message to him just to play trick on this fool’s day. But, the embarrassing things happen when i am the one that being fooled by him. He told me he is going to be transferred to overseas and i believed him when he convincing me a few times. How fragile my heart is when he succeed in his make up story, i was very sad. The worst part is when i confess that i miss him so much and why he did not inform me earlier about that. He console me and promised to keep contact me and so forth. Until the end of our conversation, he told me that i was being fool. It is just a story that he make up to tricks me but i feel very bad because he play with my emotions. It is really embarrassing.
I don’t know why he does that and i don’t understand. Sometimes he is still there for me and sometimes he disappeared just like that. I don’t know what and how man’s think. What is actually happen between us? Only God knows what is actually happen. That’s why it is better not to understand it and let God leads our heart to where He want it to be.